The Sohma summer Camp Chronicles
by Shh - my pen name is pen name
Summary: Nine years ago the Sohma's were sent to a summer camp and they,well, you know, Ritsu 'killed' the teacher, Akito's got a machete and Ayame doesn't like bugs! What will happen, who will fall off a cliff, get eaten by Jason, and burn down the cabin! Crack!
1. Ritsu Killed The Teacher

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does.**

**Warning: Slightly suggestive…and it is ALL Shigure Sohma's fault.**

**Sohma Summer Camp Chronicles**

**Chapter 1: Ritsu Killed the Teacher**

Character ages:

Hatori: 18 years old

Shigure: 18 years old

Ayame: 18 years old

Kureno: 17 years old

Ritsu: 12 years old

Akito: 10 years old

Kagura: 9 years old

Rin: 8 years old

Yuki: 7 years old

Kyo: 7 years old

Momiji: 6 years old

Hatsuharu: 6 years old

Kisa: 3 years old

Hiro: 2 years old

Hatori's point of view 

Hatori sighed annoyed as he walked towards the newly created 'Sohma Summer Camp'. _This was not a good idea_. First off, Shigure had already annoyed him by wolf whistling at every girl he saw and then Ayame volunteered them to help at this camp. Kureno had some how been rapped into this and was the only non-annoying one with him right now. Just _great. _He had no idea who was officially running this, but he did know that this was just a lame excuse from the adults to ditch the kids with them and go on some long needed vacation. He knew this probably was going to cause him unnecessary trouble and the teacher/camp-leader a fair amount of grief. I wonder how much trouble they've already caused…

He had no idea just how bad it was.

Camp Leader Justine's point of view

_Omg, Omg, OMG! They said I was signing up to take care of a couple, easy-going kids not a mob of mass murders and angry lunatics!_

"Stupid cat! Who do you think you are calling me Templeton!" The girly looking boy yelled at the orange-headed kid. (Templeton is the rat from "Charlotte's Web")

"Well you're just like him: STUPID, WEIRD AND UGLY!" Orange-head screamed at the kid in a rage. BAM! The orange kid was kicked across the room and knocked against a table. _Oh my god, oh my god._

"Uh, please… No fighting" I tried to muster. "It's not nice to fight!" I finished weakly, but alas, it seemed no one paid any mind to what I had said for the chick wearing an 'I-Love-Kyo!' T-shirt jumped up and punched the girly-boy.

_This is bad, very bad. I think I'm going to die soon._

"Hey!" I said trying to get them to stop unsure of what I should do next. The girly-boy tried to kick the girl while she tried to trip him, all the while she was screaming about 'her Kyo-kun' and 'her unwaning love for him' or something of the sort.

"Stop fighting!" I whispered terrified of these …things. No one even looked at me, they acted like it was _normal_.

WHAM! I looked back to the fight to see some little kid with black and white hair joining the fight as the orange haired one stood back up. I'm scared, I'm scared; I want to go hide in a little corner with rainbows and sunshine.

"RAWR!" he screamed jumping up and kicking the girl in the head, seeing the multi-colored hair kid kicking the orange one she punched him, sending him across the room where some moody looking chick ran to comfort him. The girly-boy then kicked the orange one, again, sending him into a chair and he huffed. Seeing as the orange-haired one looked upset the 'I-Love-Kyo' one ran to his aid. Girly-boy then just stood there glaring at the orange-haired one.

_I am scarred - horrified. I want to go hide in a dark little corner. I'm going to die. _

"Uh…" I said traumatized and horror-struck in the silence hoping it would last, when…

"WAHH!" A small blond kid wailed form across the room. "Rin called me a walnut!" The kid screamed at the top of his lungs.

"It's not nice to call people names." I whispered fearful of what the kids would do to me.

"WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR JUST A STUPID CASHEW!" The moody girl screamed in pure irritation. I cowered in my chair, when an angsty looking kid jumped onto my desk with, with… Oh my god is that a MACHETE?

He's going to kill me. It's all over I'm going to go to a good place with sunshine and rainbows. Bye-bye scary kids. I'm going to die, I'm going to die.

"SHUT UP STUPID BRATS OR I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU SLOWLY AN-"

"Please get off my desk!" I whimpered, since this was the end I might as well say something.

"I AM YOUR GOD, SO GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND GROVEL! YOU SHOULD BE BEGGING ME FOR RAW MEAT! FILTHY CREATURES LIKE ALL OF YOU! I JUST WANT TO SKIN YOU ALIVE AND WATCH YOU SCREAM AS THE BLOOD SPILLS TO THE GROUND AND PAIN FILLS ALL EMOTION!" He said and I just stared.

I'm scared of that boy. I am going to die. Get me out of here, I don't like kids anymore. I'm also suing for trauma therapy.

"Uh.." I whispered fear on my face, in the corner some toddlers began to cry. Wait - oh, my god there's toddler's here, their going to die. Their going to be killed. And then,

"I'M SO SORRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT - I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE! I DESERVE TO DIE, KILL ME AND MAKE SURE I AM NOT FORGIVEN! I DESERVE TO GO TO HELL. I'M SO SORRY!" The girl – wait is that a guy? - screamed running around the room frantically. Everyone just watched him/her and I was at a loss for word, hyperventilating and close to fainting.

"I'M SO SORRY!" The kid yelled running up to me and screaming. " I'M SO SORRY MISS-CAMP-LEADER-TEACHER-LADY-PRETTY-WOMAN-HUMAN-PERSON-GIRL! I'M SO SOR-" I couldn't take it anymore, I passed out.

For a minute everyone just stared at her before someone said it.

"You KILLED her, Ritsu! She's dead! AHHHHHH!" Momiji screamed. Everyone stared as Ritsu's eyes widened and he began to spaz out.

"I'M SO SORRY, I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! CALL THE COPS, TAKE ME TO THE POLICE! KILL ME! NO, NEVER MIND I WOULDN'T WANT TO BURDEN YOU! I'LL KILL MYSELF!" Ritsu screamed as he grabbed Akito's machete.

"I KILLED THE TEACHER, I KILLED THE TEACHER!"

"WAIT!" A voice yelled and everyone turned to see Hatori standing in the doorway.

Hatori's point of view

They had been walking down the trail to the cabins for a while when he heard an loud amount of yelling, crashing, screaming, crying and then a jumbled amount of apology's from Ritsu. Looking at each other, we simultaneously decided to go faster and run the rest of the way. Arriving I quickly yanked open the door to find Ritsu dangerously close to stabbing himself and Akito laughing evilly, the room was a wreck.

"Wait!" I yelled and everyone froze to stare at him. What I saw was more than I had expected; chairs and tables in pieces (obviously a fight) and the camp leader lying on the ground unconscious, along with three crying kids, seven extremely irritated, and one in the midst of a insane murder faze. Okay...

"Looks like you kids had some _animalistic fun_." Shigure said suggestively, I whacked him in the head.

" So… I'm guessing the teacher will be quitting." Kureno said.

One hour later

"So the teacher did quit and after calling the adults I found out that we will be running the camp." I said as they all nodded. All the kids were in time-out currently except for Momiji, Hiro, and Kisa who had fallen asleep.

"What a fun experience this shall be~!" Ayame sang joyously.

"Oh yes, what a fun time to _play_ with the kids!" Shigure agreed. I glared at him.

" Well, it will at least be…interesting." Kureno stated, trying his hardest to be positive. More like it will be an unmanageable living_ hell_, was all I could think.

* * *

**Authors Note: Thank you for reading and I am very sorry that this chapter is not particularly amusing. The next chapters should be a lot funnier, but this was how I thought best to introduce the story. This is meant purely out of humor and not meant to bash any characters, but exaggeration makes life much more entertaining!**


	2. When Butterflies Become Butter

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did…

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old_

_Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old_

_Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old_

* * *

**The Sohma summer Camp chronicles, ****Chapter 2: When Butterflies Become Butter**

Hatori's point of view

Yesterday had been a rather odd and stressing day for me, but I hope today will be better one. Of course, even I can't try to believe such a lie. _So, let the hell begin…_

"I'm HUNGRY!" Kyo screamed angrily.

"WAHHHH, Kyo's scaring me!" Momiji cried.

" Shut up, you little grape jelly!" Rin shouted, steaming. At this, Hiro and Kisa began to cry due to being woken up by the riled screams.

" Ugh, you loud little children woke me up from my beauty sleep!" Ayame sniffed.

"Don't worry Aaya your beauty is still as unfathomable as before! The sun rises in your honor~!" Shigure assured 'him' with hearts in the eyes. _Idiots._

"UGH, YOU STUPID LITTLE FAGS! YOU THINK I WANT TO' WAKE UP TO THIS IN THE MORNING? WELL MY KNIVES WILL SHO-" Akito bellowed in a rage.

"Ahem!" I interrupted, irritated with all the commotion.

"Ugh, the stupid monkey wouldn't stop talking in his sleep and kept waking me up!" Kagura whined.

"I'M SO SORRY FOR MY LOUDNESS AND DISTURBANCE! I DON"T DESERVE TO LIVE!" Ritsu screamed in agonized apology. I sighed thinking about what to do for breakfast as Kureno comforted Kisa and Hiro. Yuki finally waking up was glaring at the ceiling as Momiji began poking Hatsuharu.

"OWW!" Momiji cried, "HARU BIT ME! WAHH!"

"Stupid bunny, lucky Ayame hasn't swallowed you yet like a real snake would a bunny!' Haru retorted. Yawning I stood up.

"Momiji maybe you shouldn't poke him next time?" Hatori replied to the mess giving the famous parental look, we all know too well. Momiji nodded already forgetting the incident. Looking around the room, he spotted the kitchen. The 'Sohma Camp House' was a huge log cabin; one room was full of bunk beds for sleeping;a dining room; kitchen; four bathrooms; and a party/sitting room.

"Alright everyone, please go get dressed and then go sit at the table for breakfast." I ordered.

"Only if Ayame will help me!" Shigure cried getting a reply of "Don't worry my prince, I'll always be there for your every need~!" Whacking them both in the head as I passed by, I proceeded to grab Hiro and Kisa, and dress them as they were too small to do it themselves. The girls went into another room to get dressed, as I hoped I could trust them, and the boys began to get dressed.

" Where's the rat, is he to shy to get dressed with us!" Kyo snickered. Yuki was indeed to shy as he was currently hiding behind one of the beds quietly and quickly, but neatly dressing himself. Yuki didn't reply. Once that was finished everyone walked – more like immaturely raced – to the table, Kureno and I headed to the kitchen to see what we could find for breakfast.

At the table

"I got there first!" Haru yelled.

"No, **I** did!" Kyo shouted.

"No, it was me actually." Yuki said thoughtfully, but still glaring at the 'cat'.

"If MY Kyo said it was he, then **IT WAS KYO**!" Kagura bellowed in the defense of her 'beloved'.

"RAWR! I AM NOT 'YOUR KYO'!" Kyo shouted outraged.

"Rawr means I love you in dinosaur!" Kagura squealed jumping upon Kyo and hugging him.

"AHH!" he hollered. During these times, Ayame and Shigure should probably be breaking up the fights, but being them, they didn't. Instead they were, well, you know them.

"Oh Ayame~!" Shigure sang.

"My dearest Shigure your hair looks so silky and beautiful!" Ayame replied leaning in. There faces were inches apart as Ayame began running his fingers through Shigure's 'silky' hair pulling him closer.

"Oh My ME! YOU GUYS ARE SUCH CLUCKING GAYS!" Akito bellowed annoyed and disgusted.

"No, no, dear, Kureno goes cluck –_ he_ is the rooster!" Ayame replied.

"Jealous?" Shigure questioned raising his eyebrows playfully. "You could join if you want-"

"NO WAY IN HELL!" Akito replied in appalled annoyance.

"Ooh, Akito said a bad word!" Momiji pointed out.

"Ooh, Akito said a bad word" Akito imitated, "I am your GOD! I'll say what I want!"

Kisa and Hiro just stared at 'him' with blank looks.

"I'm atheist." Rin said in a cold, mocking voice.

"Atheist my a-" Akito was about to retort only to be cut off by Kureno walking back in and clearing his throat.

"We'll be having a fruit salad for breakfast until we can get better food." He informed them. Kureno set down a bowl in front of each of them as Hatori came out with a giant bowl of assorted fruit. He served everyone fruit into their bowls and then sat down and began to eat.

"I don't like watermelon…" Kagura said, unsure of herself.

"I'm so sorry you don't like watermelon!" Ritsu shouted…LOUDLY.

"Give it to Hatori I'm sure he _loves_ **water**melon." Rin snickered.

"It's not nice to make fun of someone's zodiac form, Rin." Hatori told her, along with the famous parents look, but also annoyed that they had once again made fun of his sea horse form.

"Ow, Kyo threw a grape at me!" Momiji whined.

"Shut up, stupid brat!" Kyo snickered.

"Kyo said stupid…" Hiro tattled while munching on an orange slice.

"AHHH!" Kagura shrieked, "Akito has a **BIG KNIFE**!"

"AKITO!" I bellowed, for indeed Akito was holding an **extremely** sharp machete over an apple slice.

"What? The apple wasn't sliced thin enough!" She defended with a sprinkle of insanity.

"Please put it away and let me cut it for you." I demanded. _Great it's only morning and I'm already exhausted,_

"But I wanted to use it to kill the rat afterwards!" Akito whined as Yuki sunk lower into his chair intimidated.

"Everyone finish there breakfast and well go hiking." I said hoping to speed up the eating, which succeeded. Everyone was soon tying their shoes and getting ready.

"Shigure do you have the map?" I asked while tying Kisa and Hiro's shoes. Then again, could I trust Shigure with the map?

"Okay out we go." I said. "There are a few rules that we must follow in order to stay together. One: Everyone stay with the group and follow me. Two: If you need to stop or you get hurt tell us. Three: Be nice to each other and keep hands and feet to yourself."

I knew the last one would be a fail, actually, all of them probably were, but it was worth a try. And so we were hiking, let the complaining begin.

"AHHHHH!" Kagura screamed. ""There's a BUG on my ARM!"

"Don't worry princess, it only wants to DRINK YOUR BLOOD!" Shigure screamed immaturely, causing several other children to scream.

"That's not entirely true." I said glaring at him. So the walk through the _peaceful_ forest continued. For about five minutes there were only small conversations when…

"STUPID RAT, YOU PUSHED ME!" Kyo screamed angrily.

"I did not you fell over that rock stupid cat." Yuki defended simply.

" I DID NOT!" Kyo yelled, kicking Yuki who blocked and proceeded to punch Kyo, sending the orange-haired boy a few feet up the trail.

"Yuki!" I scolded.

"It was his own fault." Was the only reply I was provided with, so I just sighed, Yuki was of course correct. I sighed as we caught up to Kyo and I put a band-aid on the few scrapes he had received.

" Ha, ha, ha!" Akito laughed, "Look at the warm blood seeping from the idiotic cats arm! So salty and painful!" She continued to laugh.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat in objection to her laughter, but she just snickered. So we continued walking until the famous child's statement was made.

"I'm tired!" Momiji complained.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Hatsuharu also complained.

"I'm so sorry you're tired and have to go to the bathroom! I don't deserve to live!" Ritsu bellowed, I groaned.

"Okay we'll stop at that meadow up ahead and rest there, you can go to the bathroom there, Hatsuharu. " I stated in answer to there complaints. I was also a bit tired from carrying Hiro on my back and was sure Kureno was also for he carried Kisa. Once there Momiji flopped down and laid there like he was dead. This of course caused Akito to poke him. Momiji bit him. Oh no...

"AGH! YOU STUPID LITTLE BUNNY! I SHOULD SKIN YOU ALIVE FOR THAT! YOU DO NOT BITE YOUR **GOD**! YOU MOTHER F-" Akito was outraged as Momiji cowered against a tree. Shigure and I were about to jump in when a butterfly landed on her T-shirt and she abruptly stopped.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING? STUPID BUTTERFLY!" Akito bellowed picking up a rock and smashing the butterfly, completely ignoring the pain. "AHA HA! I AM YOUR GOD, FEAR ME BUTTERFLY! DARE DEFY ME AND BECOME BUTTER! HAHAHAH!" Akito continued like a maniac.

"Rest over let's continue to the spring and then we'll go back home." This hike did not seem to be tiring her out as much as I had hoped. Sigh.


	3. Hiking For Hatsuharu

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did Hiro would of called the cops on Shigure already, ha ha!

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old_

_Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old_

_Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 3 years old_

* * *

Akito's outburst had been rather odd, and I deciding it best we headed back soon since the younger kids weren't going to last more then that. We headed down the trail further until we reached the pond that, of course, had to cause an issue.

**SPLASH!**

"YOU STUPID RABBIT! HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME IN THE WATER!" A very angry Rin shouted.

"It was an accident!" Momiji wailed.

"HAHAHAHA! Is the pretty princess pony upset about getting a little wet!" Akito snickered. Rim tried to splash Momiji in the sense of revenge, but instead missed and hit Ayame's hair. _Dear God prepare for a mouthful._

"Ahh! My beautiful hair is ruined! How can I live through this catastrophe!" Ayame sobbed.

"Ooh Aaya!" Shigure said sliding towards him and catching his hand. "Your beauty is still a sun of infinity~!"

"FAGGOTS!" Akito yelled disgusted at her cousins.

"What's a faggot?"

"A bundle of sticks, twigs, wood, etc." Yuki answered.

"What are you a human dictionary?" Kyo asked irritated that he had been outsmarted by the rat…again.

"Dictionaries are books NOT humans." Yuki retorted simply.

"I thought you were a rat…" Kagura answered

"Congrats to you, but a faggot is actually a gay." Akito snickered.

"Gay means happy." Yuki answered.

"So Momiji's gay?" Rin questioned, suddenly interested.

"No – well probably – but a gays a man who has se-" Akito snickered only to be cut off.

"Uh, why don't we go back to the cabin now? Ha, ha?" Kureno tried to cover up, I mouthed 'thank you'. We turned around to head back to the cabin, but no one seemed to mind and it looked like it might rain soon anyway. We were ten minutes from the cabin when,

"Where's Hatsuharu?" was asked by Hiro.

"Uhhh…" Looking around we found…no Hatsuharu.

"Maybe he's back at the cabin?" Ayame offered.

"Damn IT!" I muttered under my breath only to hear Hiro 'Ooh'ing in my ear at the 'bad word'. _Oops… _So, we headed back to the cabin.

Hatsuharu's point of view

"Okay we'll stop up at that meadow up ahead and rest there, you can go to the bathroom there, Hatsuharu. " I heard Ha'ri say. _Ooh, I get to pee on a tree, I get to pee on a tree! I wandered into the woods so one of the girls wouldn't find me. Ooh look a bird, I wanna pee on it~!_

And so that began Hatsuharu's chase to pee on a bird. He chased the bird trying to urinate on it for about fifteen minutes until failing and peeing on a green rock. Looking around Hatsuharu then noticed that he had absolutely no idea where he was.

"_Where am I? Am I lost?" Poor little Hatsuharu asked in his small little voice. _

"_Why yes you are, but I'll lead you back!" Said an evil voice, behind him stood a 'beast!" _

"_AHHHHHH!" Hatsuharu screamed. (Yes Hatsuharu is hallucinating.)_

"_HAHAHAHA!" The beast laughed in Akito's voice. The beast began to chase little Haru all the way back to the cabin door, through bushes, into trees and through mud. Little Haru yanked open the door and sank down in tears._

Back To Hatori's point of view

"Hatsuharu!" I shouted. For the last half hour, I had been mauling over what to do about the missing Haru since I definitely couldn't leave the children alone with Ayame and Shigure while Kureno and me looked. "Where have you been and what happened!

"AHA! The idiot hamburger-meat is back! You little twerp, I'm going to kill you!" Akito shrieked. Akito was currently being held back by Shigure while swinging around some very painful looking metal curtain rods. "LET ME GO!"

"No! Heh, heh, tee hee~!" Shigure giggled playfully.

"Why don't you go sniff some dogs butt and PUT ME DOWN!" Akito bellowed trying to smack Shigure with the curtain rod.

"No thanks missy." Shigure mocked.

"Why you-!" Akito growled.

"I thought Akito was a boy." Rin said.

"Uhh.." They said.

"So what happened Hatsuharu." Kureno asked rather loudly to change the subject.

"I wanted to pee on a bird so I chased it into the woods and then I got lost and then a scary monster with Akito's voice chased me all the way here!" Little Haru wailed.

"And what did this monster look like?" Kureno asked calmly.

"It was white and in the shape of a horse and had a pink mane and a pink tail and pink horn and it was sparkly and scary!" Little Haru cried.

"A unicorn?' Kisa questioned quietly. Everyone turned to look at her as the little toddler blushed, she didn't speak much.

"Oh, so you found Rin's father." Akito mocked. "That would definitely be horrifying."

"Akito be nice." I scolded. Looking at the time I was alarmed, it was already time for dinner. "Uhh… Everyone should go take a bath… So there's four bathrooms, so" I said thinking.

" Hatsuharu, Momiji and Kyo shower in the first bathroom. Kureno, Yuki and Ritsu shower in bathroom two, Ayame, Shigure go shower in bathroom three, Akito after them. I'll give Hiro and Kisa a bath in bathroom four and then shower. When you guys are done go sit at the table with Kureno, I'll order pizza." I finished my sentence and looked around for a phone.

"You can use my phone Ha'ri~!" I looked up at Ayame's ever-grinning face.

"Sure, thanks… Now everyone please go get ready and don't take to long." Everyone left and I looked at the phone I held in my hand. Of course, PINK and BEDAZZLED. I punched '1-800-pizzaplease' into the number pad and waited to be answered.

"Hahahaha, we are the pizza place." _What the hell? _"I'm uh, what's my name…? Oh yeah, he heh, I'm Stephen." _Is he high?_ "So …do you like pizza?"

"Hi, my name is Hatori Sohma and I would like to place a delivery order."

"Ha, ha! HUH-TAR-EE~!" The pizza man giggled like and idiot.

"Um, yes, I would like three cheese pizzas, two pepperoni, and two sausage." I told him, irritated. "Please take it to '3554 Pine tree street, north, woodland Japan'. "

"Suu-Say-ja" Stephen 'pronounced', if that was even really his name.

"Yes." I stated annoyed.

"Suu-Say-ja" He giggled like a little girl.

"Whatever." I said rudely hanging up. _I should probably go shower and give Kisa and Hiro their baths._

_I'll see if the pizzas delivered in a half hour and if not I'll figure something out._

At the table, no ones point of view

Kureno sat at the table looking clean and odd. Everyone had decided to change into pajamas and he was wearing red and white plaid pants and a button up cotton shirt with roosters all over it. Since his mother had made them for him the bottom of the shirt had 'Love Mommy' sewn into it. Hatsuharu wandered down next in a 'Got Milk?" T-shirt and dairy cow patterned pants. He yawned quietly and sat down next to me, just staring at the table. He was probably still shook up from seeing the 'monster'.

"Hello Hatsuharu." Kureno said hoping he would cheer up.

"Hi…" He states, damn was this kid traumatized? Kureno wondered to himself. "What are we having for dinner? I'm hungry…" Haru asked.

"Um, I believe we're having pizza." Kureno answered the boys question.

"Okay." Hatsuharu said as Yuki and Momiji wandered down the stairs. Yuki wore a purple button up T-shirt and purple pajama pants, while Momiji wore bright green pajama pants and top with bunny's all over it.

"Hi." Yuki said quietly sitting down on the other side of me while Momiji sat by Haru. Ayame and Shigure soon came down in their 'pajamas'. Ayame wore dark red silk pajama pants and top, Shigure didn't even bother with pants, he just wore a pair of dog-patterned boxers and T-shirt. Ritsu walked into the kitchen a couple minutes latter with Kisa and Hiro holding his hands. Ritsu wore a light pink nightdress with ribbons and frills, Kisa wore a small nightgown with kittens on the front and Hiro wore dark green pajama pants and a dark green T-shirt. They sat down and stared.

Rin and Kagura walked in quietly mumbling together and sat down. Rin wore a blood red nightdress and Kagura wore a lilac colored nightgown. Kyo walked down in camouflage pants and an army green T-Shirt, Akito followed in black pajama pants and a T-shirt that read 'I am GOD!'. Everyone at the table seemed exhausted, too exhausted to say anything, so started the glare game for annoyed and tired kids. Ding-Dong!

"I'll get it!" Ayame replied enthusiastically to the ringing of the doorbell.

Ayame's point of view

"Hello~!" I said to the pizza guy standing at their doorstep.

"HUH-TAR-EE~!"" The pizza guy giggled.

"Um… Nope this is Ayame, Hatori's in the shower~!" I answered. "So how much for the pizzas?"

"Squirrels eat muffins!" 'Stephen, the pizza guy laughed, _was he high?_ "Oranges eat muffins!"

"Uh…" I said holding his wallet, what was wrong with this guy? Maybe I should repeat myself louder. "HOW MUCH FOR THE PIZZAS?"

"Butterfly's aren't made out of butter! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And they think I'm an idiot.

"HOW MUCH FOR THE PIZZA?" I asked again. By now, Ha'ri was out of the shower and had paused to stare at me as I tried to pay the pizza guy. Ha'ri walked up to me and spoke to the pizza guy.

"Hello, Stephen… How muck are the pizzas?' Ha'ri asked

"Is that your girlfriend, HUH-TAR-EE?" 'Stephen asked. Hatori, annoyed, took the pizza and threw 25 dollars at the pizza guy slamming the door. We went back to the table where we found all the kids cranky and glaring at each other.

"Couldn't bother with pants, could you Shigure?" Ha'ri asked blandly. Kureno had handed all the kids paper plates and juice boxes and was now helping Ha'ri with the pizza. Shigure and me helped hand out the slices when all of a sudden Kagura burst into tears.

"M-my f-f-family!" Kagura cried.

"Huh?" We all said when Hatori froze and realization hit us all. Sausage and pepperoni were made from _pigs!_ Oops.

"It's okay Kagura." Kureno desperately tried to calm her down and so started the fight. Kagura punched Kureno, which sent him flying, so Akito became very angered. Akito pulled out a giant spatula and began whacking Kagura who was trying to kick Akito. Akito missing hitting Kagura hit Haru who instantly went black and punched Yuki. Yuki decided to throw the table at Kyo and suddenly all the mini martial artist were fighting. It took the 'adults' half and hour to calm down, by which time the children were so exhausted the crawled into the room and fell asleep. So concluded the Sohma's first summer camp day!

**Authors Note: I am so sorry that this took a lot longer to be published then I thought it would. I hope you enjoy reading it and have a good giggle fit. The next chapters should be up soon, review if you have the time, good or bad! -**

**Shh - My Pen Name Is Pen Name**


	4. So Akito Is A Women Now

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did, well, be scared…

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old, Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old, Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old_

_Thank you to Randomanime456 for correcting Hiro's age! _

_Dedicated to Randomanime456 and Silver-the-Umbreon!_

This chapter will be from the pint of view of the kids only! If the format/writing changes it is because of how I believe this child to think, no character insult intended. Sorry to Haru fans, but he occurs to me as a really stupid kid. All apologies for Akito's inner mind language…I love her and her weapons, tee-hee. Italics are thoughts. PG-13 **Revised, nothing different, just corrections.**

**Contain's spoilers and language, but I put stars...**

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**The Sohma summer Camp chronicles; Chapter 4 - Cat Pancakes and UPS **

Akito's point of view

_Oh, so ANGRY! Oh, yes we did crawl like starved animals who had writhed on the floor as knives stabbed and fire burnt through starvation into our room and fell asleep, but only until ONE IN THE MORNING! And guess what happened at one? It thunder stormed and those weak little scum's called children were 'scared'! Oh, they will RUE the day! Thank God – Hah, Thank ME – for the invention of tranquilizer guns._

_Cursed Flashback_

**BOOM!**

"AHHHHHH!" Momiji screamed like a freaken girl! _Oh, this bunny will die if he doesn't shut his trap!_

"WAHHH!" Hiro and Kisa burst into tears at the commotion, they too will die by my hands. Oh, three thousand ways of murder, I worship.

"DAMN YOU ALL!" I AM MAD…and god, so I could damn them all! MWUHAHAHHAHAHA here me dear conscience, we will rule together someday, these zodiac writhing in pain.

"Akito said a bad word!" Hatsuharu gasped. Yuki kicked Kyo into a wall for no apparent reason. Good, the cat deserves to feel pain, to bruise and bleed with a pain like sharpened knives and consuming fire! Tee-hee!

"What they hell, stupid rat!" Kyo used bad language, how dare he – only I can cuss!

"For fu*ken existing!" I yelled. Madness made me cuss…I'm a bad girl, MWUHAHAHAHAH!

"I know; why don't we sing a song?" Damn snake! Bad girl, Akito…no cussing…HAHA, I'm a bad girl! Here me and my foul language as I rule this world, mwuhahahahahaha!

"Four letter word just to get me along,

It's a difficulty and a biting on my tongue," Oh, s***! NO, NO, NO! I'm a bad girl, cussing in the night, Twahatwahaha!

"Oh, sparkling snakes! Lets just skip to the chorus!" Ayame 'cursed' joyfully.

"They call me 'hell',

They call me 'Stacy',

They call me 'her',

They call me 'Jane'

That's not my name,

That's not my name,

That's not my name,

That's not my name,

They call me quiet girl,

But I'm a riot

Mary-Jo-Lisa,

Always the same,

That's not my name,

That's not my name,

That's not my name,

That's not my name," How dare he bring the Ting-Tings into such a situation. They will all DIE! Stabbing, bleeding, gunshots, screaming, pain, fire, hell, death - MWUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

"SHUT. THE. F***. UP!" Bad girl, Akito…no cussing…Oh shut up, conscience…

"Oh my glittering poodles! Akito is angry and using naughty language! We must do something!" Shigure, that b***h. HAHAHAHA, I'm cussing~!

"A call for Super emo man I suspect!" Those gays, touching Hatori or 'super emo man'!

**BOOM!**

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Hatsuharu said, waking up for the first time? "I DIDN'T KILL THE MILKMAN, I SWEAR!" Stupid cow is crying and I'm craving a cheeseburger. "I DON'T LIKE WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING, SELLING MILK, BUT I DIDN'T KILL HIM! WAHHHHH! DON'T KILL ME WITH GUNS-GO-BOOM!" _Does this boy need pills? I could put him to 'sleep'…_

"SHUT UP!" They will die, but then I will be all-alone. Sigh. It is SO hard to be ME.

"MWUHAHAHHAHAHA!" I took out my hidden tranquilizer from my hidden shrine of weapons containing death, sharpness and fear-in-a-bottle, and shot them all. They all fell down.

"MWUAHHAHAHAHAH, Sleep tight my zodiac."

"I see a light!" Hatsuharu cried before falling asleep. Good maybe the stupid cow finally died. Cheeseburgers for all, yea.

"I'm sorry, so sorry~!" Ritsu cried in his sleep, stupid boy. I picked him up and threw him in the fridge; there he can sleep for the night! Problem solved.

End of the freaken cursed flashback, good girl, Akito, not an actual cuss…

"NE-mya-katrehhhhhhhhhh~!" What was that?

"My ears burn!" Anger, what the hell is that dog doing? He deserves pain equivalent to the hatred I contain deep within my soul! As shard of glass pierce into his skin and blood rains down and showers on that stupid cow~! !

"Playing the trumpet my dear~!" He sang.

"Oh, my bedazzled birdies! I didn't know you could play trumpet." Oh, shut the freak up. Look around girly snake no one likes your voice. _Maybe I could blow it off with my favorite pipe bomb, but why make the bomb suffer… _It is SO hard to be me, yet again!

"I'm going to get dressed and pee!" More anger…

"Where's Ritsu?" Hatori's voice is so over-rated. I would slice his throat with a cold blade and watch his vocal cords whither, but for some reason his existence is necessary. Damn.

"The fridge." Nonchalantly, who cares he's probably just eating all the bananas.

"WHAT?" They, act like he's going to die…I hope he did…

**(Guys might want to skip this part…Akito gets her period…Hahahaha)**

The bathrooms here are disgusting. Pink equals my personal torture, kitten pictures burn my eyes, clear mirrors are only good to slice people with, toilet paper to suffocate, and TOILETS/BATHTUBS FOR DROWNING PEOPLE IN!

"MWUHAHAHAHAHAH!" I'll take care of this.

**SMASH!** The beauty of hammers and glass combined. I pulled down my pants so I could change and stared. Oh my god, oh my god, s***! Red, brownish…am I getting MY PERIOD? I did the only thing I could comprehend to do: scream.

"AHHHHHH!" None of the zodiac knew I was a girl, excluding the 'adults' of the group. My first period, HAD to be in the MIDDLE of the WOODS, in a CABIN, with the entire Zodiac! I should stab someone just for fun, hahahahahahahaha, blame them all~!

**BAM!** Shigure, Kureno and Hatori stood in the doorway, just them thank god... but I wasn't wearing pants. They all stared at my pants seeing the red and I turned just that red…of all the awkward moments.

"Cute panties~!" Appraisal from the freaking dog about my underwear, he will feel my wrath later, oh he will RUE THE DAY!

"Uh, well, we've never been in your situation before…" Damn Kureno, one day I shall roast you with seasoning and bake you in a oven, watching the feathers burn and your life fade before me! MWUHAHAHAHAHA~!

"You guys leave…" Hatori ordered…

"Ooh, what kinda' fun are you two gonna have?" Damn dog, I have a gun under my bed. A GUN, my best and only FRIEND! Gun and I are BFFLS~!

"Wait, we don't have any pads…" Damn birdie, he thinks he should be blushing, how about I slit your wrists so you don't have any blood to blush with?

"Isn't she kinda' young?" Ayame asked popping up from nowhere, I shrieked. Four men – well two men and two girls – standing in the doorway as I stand here with no pants on and getting my period… Shoot them in the eyes and watch as they go blind – never to see again as punishment!

" The female ute-" No one wanted to here this. "No, she's not to young."

"We could use paper towels…" Hatori, that idiot. Paper towels my a** - more like up you're a**

"I have collector item 'Twilight Saga' pads in my back pack!" Ayame, what the hell?

"You'll have to use that for now…you can get normal ones latter…" No, Hatori, NO! "Um, right…so you can get cramps, headaches, mood swings, etc. If its to heavy then-" Again Hatori, do you know what an awkward conversation is.

"Leave." I demanded holding loves first chainsaw, a painful chainsaw at that.

"Aww, our Akito is a women, this means she can start having se-" I chose this moment to swing the sharp edged, murder coated, blood soaked, seeping-evil, devil-eyed, skin-cutting, weapon at him. He left.

"Uh… are you going to need help, I mean do you know how to put that on?" Stupid nervous Kureno should be terrified of me right now, not nervous!

"Yeah!" Lying and Hatori knew.

"I'll help her." Hatori does not know awkward, does he? Does he not know that for a TEN-YEAR-OLD girl, having her 19 year old MALE cousin SEEING her WITHOUT pants and having him HELP her put on an Edward Cullen PAD is the definition of EMBARRASING! He seemed indifferent the whole time; that man needs to get some anti-depressants. This pad makes me feel weird and it is very uncomfortable. Great. Robert Patterson's face is on a pad that I am wearing - he is staring at my vagina…most awkward day ever! Oh, feel the pain I shall inflict on the ruler of awkward, he won't live another day! MWUHAHATAHAHA!

_And so, Akito is a 'women' now…_


	5. She Said Cat Pancakes

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did, well, be scared…

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old, Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old, Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old_

_Thank you to Randomanime456 for correcting Hiro's age! _

**Dedicated to Randomanime456 and Silver-the-Umbreon!**

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Yuki's point of view

Shigure, a rather obstreperous person is he. Upon this early morning, he has awoken me from a peaceful slumber and I, Yuki Sohma, will admit to the fact that I am not a morning person. Shall he annoy me much further this morning I will not hesitate to resort to violence shall it grant me peace. The again, as long as that cat is within a five hundred mile radius I will not rest happily.

"Damn cow, if there was a super-hero fight Hulk would win!" As stated, there is nothing called peace when standing next too an idiotic, anger-driven, weak, cursed, cat.

"Stupid cat, it would obviously be superman." Of course, you wouldn't be able to understand this.

"NO! It'd be Mr. Rogers!" Haru…needs help.

"What MY Kyo says IS correct!" Oh Kagura, if only you knew.

"HULK!"

"Spiderman."

"MR. ROGERS!" Somewhere during this fight, it appears that all the adults have managed a disappearance. No matter their excuse, the fact will remain that their absence is currently quite irresponsible. Haru has gone black, I am not in my best mood, and Kyo is an idiotic, unreliable, hateful, irritable being. On top of this Kagura is an obsessive 'Kyo fan-girl'.

**BAM**, Kyo has been kicked into a wall, Kagura dives in to save her Kyo and punches Haru, Haru tries to kick her so Kyo throws Haru, and for the fun of it I kicked Kyo across the room and into Ayame's towering pile of glitter-covered boxers.

"Grr!" Haru stormed out the door in a very immature way, one that I would call rude and unnecessary – only of course if the cat wasn't involved. The clock currently read 11:34 a.m, a rather late but likeable time. The thunderstorm last night had thrown everyone out of balance and now we were late into our daily schedule, not that we really have one. I cannot help but wonder, 'what ridicule will occur this lovely day?'.

"I thought the easter-bunny would win…" Momiji pouted, he's so small…

I successfully changed into my yellow polo with a picture of cheese on the breast pocket, and a pair of jeans without another child finding me. I walked out of my hiding place to discover the others had also changed. Kagura wore a pink shirt and a black skirt, Rin wore a black shirt that read 'Emo-licious' and red skinny jeans, and Momiji was wearing shorts on his head with a purple shirt around his waist. Interesting choices for all.

"Momiji?" Did he need help? "Your pants…"

"Dumb bunny, should feed you to the snake!" Mentally-ill cat.

"We would ALL appreciate it if you would shut your mouth." Duh cat, under the influence that you have working eyes I request that you look around and notice the annoyance that paints our faces every time you open your mouth.

"Hey, where's Ritsu?"

"…"

Ritsu's point of view

"It is so cold in here… Where am I? It's dark and the floor is hard and cold. Why is there food surrounding me!" Oh no, I just complained!

"I'm so sorry place I am sitting in. I'M SO SORRY, I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, MY BREATH ONLY CONTAMINATES THE WORLD AND I AM SO AWFUL! KILL ME WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT, GIVE ME THE PAIN I DESERVE! I AM SO SORRY FOR COMPLAINING! PLEASE KILL ME – NO PUNISH ME AND DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, NO DO KILL ME IF THAT'S WHAT YOU DESIRE. I AN SO SORRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!

_Poor Ritsu, the little monkey brain doesn't even realize he's in a fridge. He's not even really worried about how he got there or where he is, but maybe if he keeps apologizing he'll magically transport back to the bedroom. _

Akito's pint of view

"Damn them!" Grr, how dare those little…why I should! Why is the fridge screaming and why are all the little kids staring at me?

"What, are you little scum's hungry or something?" Brats.

"The fridge is…speaking." Kyo, that idiot. Ugh, stupid Kisa and Hiro are crying, if they don't shut it I might feel the need to rip of there mouths and watch the salty blood dribble down there chins as they try to scream out in agony~!

"I'm hungry!" Momiji, that stupid little rabbit, how dare he request something so necessary in life when he doesn't deserve to live!

"Well, I will NOT feed you! MWUHAHAHAHHAHA!"

"The fridge…" Kagura.

"How about we have bacon for breakfast?" Hahaha, I'm funny.

**BAM!**

"Oops…" Ha'ri's going to yell at me.

"Ooh, Akito ripped the door off the fridge! I'm gonna' tell on you!" Stupid rabbit.

"Snitch." Stupid horse; that is MY reply.

"Rhymes with bitch which is just what you are." Ha, I am SO funny this morning.

"What's a bitch?" Stupid tiger, you're only three and have NO right to speak!

"A female dog." What did that rat eat a dictionary when he was starving in the sewer?

"So, it's Shigure's girlfriend?" Damn Kagura, he's mine. I mean…

"That's what she said~!" Dang that dogs back.

"Oh my glimmering sea horses! Ritsu's unconscious in the fridge! CPR!" What is that snake ranting on about?

"AHHHHHHH!"

"Stop screaming monkey brain and quit kissing him stupid snake!" Glimmering seahorses? One more stupid remark and I'll go get Edward the rope, turn it into a noose and hang that snake from the ceiling~! Watch him suffocate and turn blue before dying like a terrified girl! Bwuhahahahahha!

"It was CPR, I saved him~!"

"That's what she said~!" Grr, one more time with the 'that's what she said', and I'm gonna' tear at his flesh with Jacob-the-sharpened-dagger and watch the blood flow in malicious streams~!

"I'm hungry!" Stupid bunny, you think I care when hunting season is because I'll shoot you right here, right now!

"That's what she said!"

"Argh!" 

**BAM!** "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" I jumped and tackled the mutt and now sit on his back banging his head against the table rapidly! Mwuhahahahahahaha, suffer concussion.


	6. The Horror Of A Poke

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did, well, be scared…

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old, Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old, Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old_

_Dedicated to: Girl from the insane assylum, she kept me up all night! Tee-hee! _

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Akito's Point of View (Yes she's still banging his head on the table)

**BAM! BAM! BAM!**

"Ow, Akito you're a meanie!" Dog thinks he should talk, is he that stupid?

"Shut. UP."

"Up is a good movie." Yes, I am in the mood for bacon.

"I'M SO SORRY I CAUSED YOU TROUBLE AND I INSULTED THE SURROUNDINGS! I AM SO SORRY!" Crap, the monkey's up!

"I know, how about I make breakfast~!" Is the snake trying to poison us…? "La, la, la!"

"Where's Haru?" Stupid sewer rat.

"Shut up with your dreaded singing! You sound like a little pansy – snakes HISS!" Grr…! And then it happened, the most terrifying day of my life…THE BUNNY POKED ME!

**Poke!**

"Ahh! How DARE you POKE me! Here I stand all-powerful and murderous. To rip your flesh and hear you scream as the blood rains down in torrents and poison be spewed in agony. No one shall come as your bones crumble beneath me, no on shall care to come and witness this death of your putrid soul. As you be damned to a icy hell of screams and horror, to hide where you think you may be alone. But never. Your whispers I cursed, your tears burn the flesh it seeps into as I laugh a cold menace. Watching you, never safe, always afraid, continue this pitiful life until I take it. As the cold steel of my knife slices and stings you, till the you feel the force of bullets in your flesh as I laugh...forever echoing hell in a non-existing peace. Shall you feel my wrath till the day all things die. Beware my little zodiac, I am your god, I am Akito Sohma and I don't like to be poked!"

"…"

_Lesson of the zodiac today: Never poke Akito Sohma, also known as God._

"Hi." Maybe I would rather cheeseburgers, the cow is back after all. Oh look, the chicken and sea horse are accompanying him.

"Haru got lost…" Of course, chicken legs sound good to.

"We found him in the bathroom…walking between the walls of the shower, back and forth, back and forth." Sea horse sounds appalling.

"I was lost." Steak is ALWAYS nice.

"…"

"Stupid cow you got lost in the SHOWER?" Like the cat should talk.

"Pancakes are done~!"

Yuki's point of view

Golden pancakes were placed upon the plastic plate that sat before me. To my own personal glee I discovered that these particular pancakes were cat shaped. Not being a cat fan, I decided to take as much cruelty as I could put forth into the consummation of these pancakes.

"Mwuhahaha." Is all I can manage to utter, and even this holds a plausible darkness in its icy grasp of death and discourage for the silenced cat. In my small, pale hands I grasp a dull but deadly butter knife. Quietly I raised it over the neck and then,

"MWUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH~!" 

**Bam, slam, bam!** I stabbed the cat pancakes in the neck, like Akito would murder an innocent baby bunny, and sliced it into a jigsaw puzzle of death!

"Hahahahahahhahahaaha, the cat is dead… Where tis the syrup? Mwuhahahaha!" Haru handed it to me and I took of the cap, pouring it on the cat-pancakes I dumped the whole bottle on there faces.

"Die little kitty's, drown in your own sweet blood. Twahahahaha…" In a family of the mentally-ill and strange-violence-obsessed people I find it odd that they should stare at me during this time, when they themselves are not much different. Taking the cool, metal fork I put a piece in my mouth and chewed it violently – savoring the pain I was inflicting upon this idiotic animal.

"My…KYO! RAWR!" Kagura began crying and then attacked me…blind Kyo lovers, they never learn. Wham, she tried to kick me so I simply did the logical thing and kicked her through the door.

"…"

"AHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY TWINKLING PONIES - A BUG!" My brother; a pre-Madonna, fashion queen, drama queen, mentally ill snake screamed in horror as a reply to its appearance.

"I'll save you Aaya~!" Shigure the obstreperous sang jumping up onto the tabletop with 'Aaya' and grabbing his hand.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Akito laughed darkly, glaring at the bug as we all turned to stare at her. Akito held a BAZOOKA pointed at the bug; said bug appeared to be in shock and was staring at her in horror. "What do cows say when they laugh evilly…Haru?" Her voice was shrill and insane.

"Baby bunny?" Haru does need help. What kind of answer is 'baby bunny'?

"NO! It is… **MOO**HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And with that Akito fired.

BAM! The whole house shook and, lets just say the kitchen doesn't look to great.

"Oh, I forgot to ask if it had any last words… Well it's dead now!" Wow…

"I'm so sorry Mr. Bug or are you a Miss, or a Mrs., or a Ms.? I'm sor-" Poor Ritsu, for despite how annoying he can be, Akito is quite harsh in personality and actions. He is bleeding and although Akito equals violence, must she have hit him in the mouth with the bazooka?

"Akito, did you forget your medicine?" Ayame is an idiot, usually after someone points a GUN at a bug you don't ask them something as taunting as that.

"That's what she said!" Shigure might wholly lack a brain…

"Akito…" Hatori seemed to be in a rage, but on the note that Akito is GOD Hatori was POWERLESS.

"…"

"How about we all go to the sitting room?" Kureno; a sensible and polite bird is he, but why did he say sitting room and not den?

Akito's point of view

It is 2pm and I am in such a good mood, but who wouldn't be after a good kill! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha~! Kureno's and idiot, though, 'Let's go to the sitting room', why would you suggest that! Now for whatever reason ran through Kureno's ill mind, we are sitting here, staring at each other as if waiting for something to happen. The only bad thing about this is that I no longer have an oven to roast Kureno in...

**Ding-Dong!**

"I'll get it!" Mwuhahahahaha, what fate will I bring upon this idiot. Death, disturbance, pain, horror, stabbing, hanging, shooting?

**Yank!** Oops…I ripped another door of its hinges…

"Hello, tis I Brianna…" Well I've already shot someone today, and tackled, and hit, so maybe…stabbing!

"What do you want, you pitiful, worthless, undeserving, being."

"I have a…" Johnny-sharp-dagger or Jimmy-pointy-knife?

"WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE! YOU SHOULD BE WRITHING ON THE GROUND IN A ICY PAIN THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SOUL!" Why is she still at my door?

"I have your glow in the dark toasters for Momiji Soda~!" Soda? "And 3,000 pounds of Spaghetti for Hatsuharu Soapa~!" Soapa? Those kids will DIE!

"MOMIJI! HATSUHARU!" The little twerps ran into the room like the little scarred nubs they are fear shining in their pitiful eyes! I ripped open the boxes ad threw the spaghetti and glow-in-the-dark-toasters down the hall and turned on the imps glaring at them.

"AHHHH!"

**BAM!**

"MWUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" I shoved the little jackanapes into the box and wrapped forty rolls of duct tape around the box. Now they'll never get out – or they'll suffocate – Mwuhahahahaha!

"TAKE THIS BOX TO THE POST OFFICE, I DEMAND IT'S SENT TO TIBET!" Mwuhahahahaha!

"Do you want fries with that?" If I didn't need her to carry out my evil schemes I would have cold-handed kill her!

"NO! Get out of here or grovel on the floor as you feel the sharp, cool, deadly metal of Johnny-sharp-dagger and Jimmy-pointy-knife!" **Bam! **Mwuhahaha, I slammed the door in her face.

"13 stupid imps sitting in my way,

2 were sent to Tibet, only 11 left!

Mwuha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha~!" Such a good day, I blew up the kitchen, killed a bug, got rid of two worthless nubs, slammed Shigure's head into the table and I can toast the stupid rat in a glow-in-the-dark-toaster.

"What was that?" Hatori; always questioning my authority, he should bow down and buy himself some emotion, else I slice his throat first.

"Nothing." GOD doesn't reply to sea horse! You can't even fry them - at least fish are edible!

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" Hiro, that stupid sheep's lucky I don't like leg-of-lamb!

"Shh, it's okay Hiro. What's wrong!" Stupid Kureno, let the kid cry and die in world of pain, don't comfort the worthless nub! WHAM! Hiro punched Kureno in the nose, maybe the kid isn't so bad!

"Hahahaha! Kureno when you do die – or when you are killed by a TWO year old – I won't buy you a coffin! I don't like you enough; MAYBE I'll buy you a cardboard box! Hahahaha~!" Kureno is a baka, Kureno is a baka~!

"Akito!" Stupid Hatori, you can't scold me! "Where are Momiji and Haru?"

"I sent them with the UPS lady in a box to Tibet." Nonchalantly.

"YOU WHAT?" Why do they care? The little brats deserve death, but out of the kindness of my heart, I only sent them to the Himalayas.

"WE GOT TO GO GET THEM, MAYBE WE CAN SEE IF THEY'RE AT THE POST OFFICE!" Brilliant Ha'ri, brilliant; why not let them die, they're bodies never found, pain everlasting?

"…"

_

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_

_Authors Note; Also for the last chapter: Thank you for reading my story and I apologize for the updating so late!_ **As for Akito's language I hope you didn't mind, but she seems like a 'cusser'. If you found the language that awful and that offensive please message me!**_ Yes, I am sort of going with the idea that Akito is a girl, sorry if you prefer her as a guy._** No remarks are meant to insult anyone who applies to them. I hold nothing against homosexuals or people on anti-depressants etc., but put it for the sake of a purely HUMOR story. Apologies to those who feel insulted, not my intention.**_ Hope you enjoyed - Shh - my pen name is pen name_


	7. Ice Cream Paint Job

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did, well, be scared…

_Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old, Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old, Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Baskets [Ntsuki Takaya], UPS [Some buisness Guy], or Ice Cream Paint Job [Dorrough] _

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Yuki's Point of View

After spending the last fortnight within the realm of a forest, civilization seem becomes an unusual wonder. Tall assortments of people pass busily, pushing past you with the unacceptable arrogance of humanity. However, at this point in time my attention is focused upon a more dominating priority - Momiji and Hatsuharu are in the mail to Tibet. Not only is it an alarming thought that your cousins - cursed cousins, at that - are in the mail, but to Tibet a place currently under the abusive control of China. Also, they are not dressed warmly enough. I believe scarves and mittens seem rather crucial at this point in time, but alas, they might not even wear underwear - lets take into consideration Hatsuharu and Momiji's personalities. And what to the evidence of nuclear testing? What if they alarm a monk and are sent to America where surely, those Western idiots will install an addiction to fast food restaurants - McDonald's - within their brains? What if they are sent to Cuba and taken as prisoners to gnaw on toliet bowl lids? Or to Russia where they freeze in only the forlorn, lonely presence of a yak? Or that place above America, whose name no one can remember? What if they learn to drive in Italy and stay as stupid as they are? What if they join the British spy force that everyone knows about because no one knows about it? Or worse; Spain where they become addicted to tomatoes, which resemble the coloring of that moronic cats hair , and I develop the obnoxious urge to murder they're untainted souls upon seeing there dreaded faces each minute of my life because they must snack upon those ridiculous fruits?

Though, it seems we have arrived at our destination - UPS - and I must end these foul worries else I become like our beloved emo, Hatori. How alarmingly it is decorated. Oh, and 777; is that not the number of heaven? However, it is time to face fate and enter this dreaded building. And so it seems, as Hatori pushed open the glass door. A bell jingled like gun shots on glass, dogs barked like the sounding of Hades and wind rushed passed like a forgotten ghosts whispered murder. We stood frozen before hesitantly following our guardian into this smokey hell. And smokey it was... A happy smokiness of burning plants... Hee-hee!

* * *

Kagura's Point of View

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THIS IS ALMOST AS UBER DELICIOUS AS MY KYO-KYO! It's is beautiful, marvelous, fit for all piggy's to indulge in. Pinks everywhere: blush, carnation, cotton candy, fuchsia, magenta, hot magenta, mauvelous, melon, mulberry, lavender, orchid, flamingo, razzle dazzle rose, pink pizazz, scarlet, shocking pink, tickle me pink, strawberry, tulip, rose quartz, ruby, mystic pearl, rose pearl, Sasquatch socks, princess perfume, winter sky, frostbite, shimmering, glittering PINK! And all on these painted PIGGY BANKS! KYAAAAAAA!" Tears of joy overwhelmed me and all I could do was cling to these ceramic gods. This must be like that orgasm-sex-thing Shigure and Ayame were always talking about~!

_Yes, so it seemed, the inside of this particular UPS was filled with assorted pink piggybacks - all full of weed. However, the fact remains that stacked against the walls so no actual cement was visible were piggy banks._

"Ahem, Excuse me...?" Ha'ri cleared his throat.

"Kyllä, haluan ostaa hattu!" What? Hatori and Shigure sent confused looks between each other when Ayame seemed to realize something.

"Where's Akito?"

* * *

Akito's Point of View

"! TAKE THAT YOU RETCHED BEING'S - I AM YOUR GOD AND YOU DO WHAT I SAY OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"

**WHAM!**

**BEEP-BEEP!**

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yes, it is true, bow down to me for I, Akito Sohma, have won a great feat today! I have STOLEN a ICE CREAM TRUCK! Of course your wondering how and since I am God, and the bible is really outdated I will begin a sequel for you!

*Flashback/Akito's New Bible* [**No offense intended toward religion**]

It began with that wretched music that made all children so happy. The way there fat little faces would light up like the sunshine caused my gag-reflexes to have a seizure. Those bitchy little wanna-Be's backing up our sewers, there idiotic chatter filling the contaminated air with those sweet little smiles I just want to tear from there faces. Peeling strips of flesh from the limbs and feeding them to the waiting dogs of hell and then smashing there skulls in with the skull of a yeti.

So that stupid little tune filled that air and the overwhelming urge to become an assassin for Antarctica overcame my mind. Oh, well it was a routine emotion in any persons life was it not? With the intention of scalping to helpless idiots and then hanging them scalps in Yuki's bedroom I robbed a store of all there cabbage and ran down the street at speeds only God could reach! Congratulations me!

"ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I let out my awesome war cry and stole a bike. Then proceeded to bike towards those worthless scum called children. I bowled through them and watched as their weak bodies flew through the putrid air and into a duck infested pool of fish infected water. Maybe Hatori will get eaten by duck babies tomorrow! Since I am God this will happen - because I SAY SO!

Now that all those children were satisfyingly lying on the ground in pools of their own blood I decided it was time to take care of the weirdo serving that ridiculous ice cream!

"HEY FREAK!"

"L-look all I wanted w-was enough money to b-buy an E-Edward C-Cullen barbie doll! You can have all the Justin Bieber ice creams you want! TAKE THEM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**WHAM!**

I shoved a cabbage down his throat and into his eye sockets, threw him out the ice cream truck window thing, stole his keys, and grabbed the wheel! Fuck yeah!

*End Part One Of Akito's New Bible*

"I say...

"yeah buddy

"rolling like a bigshot!" Yeah bitch, I'm Akito Sohma, I stole and ice cream truck and know all the words to Ice Cream Paint Job (Dorrough)!

"Chevy turned up like a Nascar pit stop!"

**WHAM!**

**BEEP!  
**

**CRASH!**

**BEEP-BEEP!**

**BAM!**

Score - Hit twelve cars, injure those useless beings, cause five fist fights, make some guy with a pony walk into a pole and terrorize a pregnant women.

"Fresh paint job

"Fresh inside!"

**KABAM!**

I Bust through the glass doors of a public library sending glass shards deep into the heads of lethargic old people! Jumping out of the car like the spider God I am and onto the tops of library book shelves I bellowed the cries of Akito:

"BE ALARMED YOU FOUL, WORTHLESS SCUM LIVING ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES! I AM AKITO - FEAR ME! MWUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY WORLD, YOU DELUSIONAL FREAKS OF NATURE! HOW DARE YOUR CHILDREN SEE SUNSHINE - LOCK THEM IN CLOSETS UNTIL THEY BECOME THE DEPRESSED SHIT THEY ARE! KILL YOURSELVES, VILE BEINGS WITH NO REASON TO BE HERE, PURIFYING MY WORLD! I AM GOD - I DAMN YOU ALL AND DIE! FREAK DIE! STUPID BITCH - ANNOYING LIARS WHO DESERVE DEATH LIKE BLADES RUNNING THROUGH THE FLESH AND FIRE BURNING EVERY INCH OF YOU-"

"Excuse me ma'am, but put your hands up - your under arrest!"

* * *

Author's Note: Hey I am BACK! Sorry it's been so long - Five months *cough* - but I'll try to start updating again. Reviews are good motivation! Anyway I hope that was funny, I've token a break from humor for a while so I'm still getting back in the swing~ Anyone who catches the Johnny the Homicidal Maniac references gets to be a prisoner in the next chapter! Yeah... What a stupid prize... Any-who don't take offense to anything in here its a joke - sorry if you do!


End file.
